I Woke Up Fat Today

     Let me welcome you to my first post. I've been ruminating on the thoughts behind this blog for some time. I questioned what my goals are in writing it and whether I really wanted so many people reading the deeply personal thoughts I intend to post here. A friend even warned me that I'd be opening myself up to some potentially very cruel people. I thought it over. The short answer is that I want people to know what my life is really like and that faceless people on the Internet couldn't be any more cruel than classmates, strangers, friends, and family have already been. Sometimes scars from the past serve to protect the delicate skin underneath. I also questioned if I had the gumption. I guess that question has been answered.

     I want to promise you two things: first, I endeavor to be honest. Sometimes that honest will be startling and painful for both of us but I cannot be half-hearted with this. Second, I promise you that I will not post every day. I may go a week without posting. I may post more than once in a day. There likely will not be regularity to my timing but each post will be meaningful.

     So, what did I mean by saying I woke up fat today? It's not the easiest thing to explain if you've never been fat. Gimme a minute. I'll try to explain. That realization, that slap in the face with the facts isn't my first thought of the day. It usually comes later in the day when some physical, emotional, or social obstacle has made it obvious. 

     Here's an example: think of a trip to the movies. We all know they aren't built for comfort. They're built to pack as many people in as possible. Most people when they go to a movie are anticipating the movie itself. Not me. I'm planning how I'm going to sit in one of those seats for two hours. Then it hits me: I'm fat. Okay that means I have to sit on the end so I don't spill over into the people on either side of me. On the end I can lean into the aisle not bothering the people next to me. Next, I check the seat before I sit just in case its the rare one that is already damaged. I can't explain the humiliation of being a fat girl who breaks a chair.

     Anyway, you get the idea. Life in this body in this world is painful, cruel, and ill-fitted. Every day is a new lesson in navigating this life. I'm going to share those lessons, my trials and triumphs, and whatever else I think might help someone understand what it is to be in this body.

     Thanks for reading. Please feel free to leave respectful comments.