I'm not sure which is worse, seeing a picture of myself or hearing others tell me what a great picture it is. I know that I have some form of that skewed vision that all women get but I also know what I see, and good or beautiful are not adjectives I'd use to describe it. I know the aforementioned loved ones are at the very least well-meaning but do they also suffer from an equal but opposite vision issue? As I see only the fat and ugly as a result of my personal shame and disdain, do they only see beauty as a result of their love for me?
Recently a friend of mine who happens to be a truly stunning example of God's creation posted an article about how our daughters will develop a better body image if they hear their mothers compliment their own body. I agree that our daughters deserve better than always chasing that smaller size and fretting over whether some snooty classmate is going to give her grief over her ever-changing physique. I want to shout it from the rooftops. I want to get on the middle and high school lecture circuits and tell them just what happens inside someone's soul when she is labeled the fat girl. I want all of our daughters to know that the superficial, snotty "you-know-what" will likely one day put on an extra thirty pounds she can't get rid of and she'll still be a "you-know-what" who is bitter and unhappy.
My problem is not in the sentiment put out by the study mentioned in my friend's post. It's in the implementation. I want my precious girl to know that she is exquisite at six and will be forever, but I just can't be that model for her. There is not a mirror in existence that would show me anything worth praising. I'm not a slightly rounded woman who has curves that keep me from being bony. I don't have a little belly that rounds out to evidence the three natural childbirths I have endured. I have no curves - I have mounds. I have rolls, I have lumps - and my belly is downright disgusting.
Even more disturbing is that I'm standing in the wake of a ship already sailed. My daughter KNOWS what I look like. She doesn't have the glassy-eyed "mom is perfection" illusions that some children grow up with; none of my children have that variety of cataract. They all see the warped - bodied, bulging me. They are curious. I saw it in their faces for a long time before my daughter was brave enough to ask. "Mommy, why are you so overweight?" Those were her exact words. I told her about PCOS but she didn't fully grasp how that might work since every other voice in the world tells her that being overweight is caused by eating too much and not moving enough. Somewhere deep inside her she just doesn't believe there is a reason I'm like this. Nestled next to that doubt is the death of my chance to ever model a good self-image.
The cancer of low self-worth is spreading rapidly at our house, too. What began as praising God that our premature first-born was exceeding every expectation the NICU doctors gave him became a 10-year-old boy who always wants to check his weight and worries that the little prepubescent belly he has will mean that one day he'll look like me. How do I know he feels that way? He told me. In tears he admitted that he was afraid of looking like me one day. I'd never hurt so much in my life. Of course, I don't want him to end up this way either but I didn't want him to give voice to those daggers.
The cancer of low self-worth is spreading rapidly at our house, too. What began as praising God that our premature first-born was exceeding every expectation the NICU doctors gave him became a 10-year-old boy who always wants to check his weight and worries that the little prepubescent belly he has will mean that one day he'll look like me. How do I know he feels that way? He told me. In tears he admitted that he was afraid of looking like me one day. I'd never hurt so much in my life. Of course, I don't want him to end up this way either but I didn't want him to give voice to those daggers.
What it comes down to is knowing that I want my children to understand that the magazine, film, television, and fashion industries don't know the first thing about beautiful and that their worth lies in their love of God. He created them and loves them regardless of what anyone (including themselves) deems a flaw. Unfortunately, they are going to have to find that example somewhere else. Mommy is filled with self-disdain. Mommy is no example to follow.
