Few things are as discouraging as spending four months waiting for people to gather around you and raise you above where you can be on your own. Since announcing that my health had gotten to the point that I have to take the dramatic step of bariatric surgery to combat the condition that has caused me become so large, I've heard lots of crickets chirping. I can't even get my friends and family, with a few exceptions, to click "share" and help me spread the word about my fundraising efforts. I've been stewing and wondering about the reasons for the dead air. I've come up with a few that might be true but I don't understand any of them.
First, do they think I'm lying? Do they think I've never really tried to lose weight, and if I would follow this new plan or take up running or just cut out high fructose corn syrup everything would be fine? I'd drop pounds like crazy because obviously I've never really tried. After all, the "experts" on TV say that anyone can lose weight with diet and exercise.
I also thought, perhaps, they don't think my health is really at risk to the degree I say. Most of them have known me for a good portion of my life. My health has never been this desperate before. Why would it be now? It must be all about my looks. I just want to look smaller.
Maybe they think I'm just trying to get other people to pay for something that I can really afford. Of course, that must be it. I really have an extra $18k laying around, doesn't everyone?
Several other scenarios crossed my mind but these seemed the most likely. What I don't like about these is that they make me think about my friends and family in ways that I don't want to think of them. They characterize people I love as heartless and questioning my integrity. I'm fighting these scenarios hard. I don't want to carrying these second-rate images in my head. I want to believe that everyone who claims me as friend wants what is best for me.
Harder still is the fight to not let this become a value judgment of me. For instance, believing that I must not rank as high as this or that other project that my friend supports with great vigor. Am I so insignificant in their life that they would promote a fundraiser for a fake product over my health and long life? Why are they hugging me and paying me lip service instead of simply clicking? How good of a friend must I be if they cannot even do something so simple?
That is a hard demon to ward off.
An equally wily demon is the one that suggests I treat said friends differently, that I disconnect from them because that will sure teach them! Besides, I can't do without them of that's how they're going to be! I feel so fourth grade just typing that!
Overall, this had been a growing experience for me. I'm learning to walk in active forgiveness daily, hourly. I'm learning that I don't always get the reason behind a "no" and that is okay. I'm learning to love people no matter how little it seems they love me.
Thanks for reading! I'd really like your comments on this one!
